I'm Still Here

Let me tell you: I've missed blogging.

I haven't blogged in ages. I haven't written in ages. And like a lot of things in my life, this one's unplanned. But then again, so was quitting blogging for a bit.

It's a Sunday night and after having a prolonged afternoon siesta to make up for the slumber's lost hours during the week, I find myself vacant with nothing to do. So while my songs are downloading over Limewire, I figured I might as well get started all over again. Hell, while I'm not exactly a writer, my writing skill will not be deadened and confined to call reports, job orders, e-mails to Client and competitive copy analyses. Mind-numbing. Hell no. Work-- it is my life but it sucks the life out me.

Also, because it's the weekend, I'm home with my family and there's internet. Ironic that I don't want to blog in the office because I need the privacy. What privacy am I talking about as my writing is aimed for public consumption on the internet. Ah well.

It was this one lonely evening in the office. Everyone was gone for the night-- probably had better things to do than a damn CCA which finishing feels like having my teeth pulled. And because life is not all about work, I decided to do some surfing on the side. And because I'm productive like that, I decided to blog hop. And that's when I started missing it.

I suddenly missed online exhibitionism-- displaying my thoughts and my actions raw and uncensored for the lot of cyberspace to see, enjoy, consume and over-think. I miss immortalizing my memories. So much has been going on that I haven't been able to write about: Bangkok, Camotes Island in Cebu, the Quezon road trip, twice in Boracay over the span of a month and even the fact that I finally graduated.

So much has happened, so little time to write about it. Time flies. I procrastinate writing about it and the next thing I know, the thing happened some 3 months ago.

Damn.

Thank God for cameras. While I may never remember what I was feeling or thinking then, I will see the poses and the smiles and people I was with that day and somehow I guess I will remember the event as happy. Gloss over the sad parts (if there were) and immortalize the good ones. But why not?

Lately though, things are monotonous. Life is a series of weekend alcoholism, budgeting and work. I'm waiting for the next grand thing to happen. Something that will infuse new life in me. Something that will capture my imagination all over again. Something new, something different.

It is burnout. I know. I've told my boss as much. While work is still the same and the atmosphere is just as fun, I've changed.

Lately, gone is the gung ho dude who stood up to challenge after challenge, always eager to learn and to please.

In his stead is the chain-smoking, apathetic and irritable person who is on the verge of losing his drive for success. And who is totally dependent on Friday night beer.

The reality though is that in this industry, the work never stops. It just lightens up on some days, but it never really just stops. I find myself singing Lifehouse's "Sick Cycle Carousel" too often these days: "When will this end it goes on and on, over and over and over again. Keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop 'till I step down from this for good".

There you go. Last September 14 was my first anniversary in the company. I've lasted a year in my first REAL job. And it's been a roller coaster.

I'm still broke but I'm still happy, though everyday is unpredictable really.

Each day, I look for something to renew the passion and I fear there are also days that come along that kill the spirit.

In any case, I live, I learn, I love. The world spins madly on and I take on each day at a time.

Yep, I'm still here.