Bonsai Blues

At 21, I've been feeling like some kind of bonsai tree. You know, the type which is grown only to be dwarfed. Something like that.

My mentor at school has always talked about guys shifting gears when they get between the ages of 19 and 23. That, I believe, is what I'm going through now. I'm feeling the need to grow on my own, the need to stand on my own 2 feet and to know that I can test my wings.

I need to know the feeling of independence, and to step out of the complacency that is my life.

Unfortunately, I have a feeling my parents aren't ready to accept so much yet. It's as if they planned to grow a bonsai from the beginning-- let me grow up to a point, then trim my branches and stunt my growth.

In fairness, they did let me grow. The result was that I became pretty much independent as a kid. By Grade 4, I was making trips to Greenhills from school (a 15 minute walk) all by myself. By Grade 5, I decided to do away with a school bus altogether and commuted home by myself.

By Grade 5, asking permission was also not a matter of "yes" or "no". It was a matter of informing them that I was going out with friends. There was never any problem in that department.

Lately though, things have been becoming testy. My mom complains that I don't ask permission from her when I go out. She also complains about the late hours I stay out when a curfew was never imposed, even when I was High School. I was always at a liberty to come home at 3 or 4 or 5 if I wished.

Car priveleges also took some time and convincing before I finally got driving 4 years ago! It felt like extracting teeth! I have a feeling that was the first step in their curtailing my growth.

Now that I'm 21 is not exactly the time for them to start trimming my branches, because I am older now and even in less need of parental nagging. For one, I am a boy. I doubt if there is any chance on Earth I be raped/molested etc.

In any case, I've been on my own for a good part of my life. Not to sound like a know-it-all or anything, but I know that I can handle myself. That is a fact I wish they'd appreciate.

The final straw is my wanting to live in Hustler Haven for the incoming school year. When my mom and my aunt bought the condo for my cousin and I, the plan was that we would live together to be near out school (but my cousin didn't even pass UA&P so...).

Last school year, I was being pushed to live there both by my mom and aunt. I was reluctant because I felt that I'd be better off living at home, sleeping in my own bed and seeing my family around me. In hindsight, I think my mom was pushing me because she knew I wouldn't bite anyway.

This school year, I am beginning to see the need. I know that school work will be very hectic and that I will be coming home late and sleeping less and less more often than not. Seeing the family is not even a big issue since they always get home late and are asleep more often than not.

Besides, I need to get out of this suffocating atmosphere. It's not their fault, but I can't be content to exist this way-- the same way I've lived for the past 21 years. I'm feeling restless and claustrophobic. I need something new, and this is what they can't understand.

Living away for a good part of the week doesn't mean I'll love them less or think about them less. Living away doesn't make me wild immediately. It's not as if being released from the shackles of home are going to make me an instant swinger who'll light up a joint as soon as possible.

The fact that they don't want to spring me loose means either they don't trust me or that they are trying to baby me, both of which contribute to the reasons I want to get out of here. A time has to come when I don't have to be bothered by the annoying "Wru?" texts of a mother waiting for her kid to come home.

I don't want to be working late at night and getting a call asking what time I'll be coming home. Most people my age (guys, especially) don't have to put up with this and I don't see why I have to be any different. I am at a time when my wings need to be spread not clipped.

In the movie "Orange County", the protagonist needed to go to Stanford because he couldn't stand the suffocating atmosphere of his home and environment. I feel the same way.

The protagonist learns later on that other great writers had to have some sort of resentment for their environment to fuel their writing passions. I, however, do not need the suffocating environment if I want to grow.

Valle Verde isn't so far from Antipolo. A few miles away and a few nights a week is all I ask. That's not much, is it?

* * *

Spent the afternoon in Kamuning getting fitted for my business attire wardrobe. I'm not a big fan of Comm's 4th Year Business attire policy.

But hey, a plus is that I don't have to worry about what shirt I'm going to wear each morning. No more thoughts of "Didn't I just wear this last week?" and other similar, trivial worries.

I got 4 polo barongs and 4 pairs of pants made. Everything looking almost similar. I've always been a uniform kinda guy. I just realized that having pants and polo-barongs made is just as expensive as buying them.

The convenience of a having things tailored is that you can have stuff done exactly the way you want them. Or so you think. Your measurements are taken and all, but everything depends on the cut of the tailor. It's like a haircut-- you can tell the barber everything you want for your hair but the end result is always subject to his interpretation.

This is why I'm a bit apprehensive. The polo-barongs are no problem. It's the pants that bother me. If I were to go to a department store and fit pants, there'd be less anxiety and less worry on the final product.

But this is the guy who made my suit before and it came out marvelously, so I'm hoping the new set would come out just as great as before.

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Back to Bumming

Based on today, I realized that I was back to bumming and reeking of unproductivity when...

... I found myself scheduling my movie-watching.

Yesterday, after attending to the Freshmen at school, I stopped by Video City in preparation for today. I rented 6 movie titles in all before realizing that 4 of them were new releases, thus due the next day.

Because of that, I had to schedule my day to accomodate 4 movies by night time if I didn't want to shell out Php 40.00 in overdue fees. Did I succeed? Kinda.

I watched 5 out of the 6 movies but I felt to lazy to drive to the town to return them. I'll still be shelling out the Php 40.00 tomorrow.

It was worth it anyways. I was properly entertained by "More Ants in the Pants", "Sorority Boys", "Swimfan" and "Changing Lanes". I would have liked "Changing Lanes" except for the very uncertain and open-ended ending.

... I downloaded "Spaghetti Song" by the Sex Bomb Dancers for whatever reason.

It's an awful song that's really irritating to listen to, but for the time being, I am pretty amused by it.

I am amused in the same way that this computer has mp3s of "Dayang-Dayang" and "Bakit Papa?" and even "Angelina" by Lou Bega stored in the playlist. It drives my sister crazy.

... I couldn't even do the things I set out to do within the 2 week break between summer class and school, to think I'm the type who needs deadlines as a motivation.

I promised myself that I would sort out my old readings, fix up my album, clear out my closet, make a palanca for Sam... and to finally come clean with Silver Lining.

I've been thinking about it a lot these days. I promised myself to get everything off my chest by the time school started, and that would be in less than a week's time. Funny because I told myself the same thing last Christmas season.

I've been standing on the edge for ages now, and there is no better time like the present to take that leap of faith. I mean, if she doesn't feel the same way, then what the hell right? Lick my wounds, cut my losses and go on living. Life doesn't stop there.

Like I was telling T 2 weeks ago, she probably knows. She's probably sensed it from the very beginning. I am wont to believe that girls are not dense. Guys maybe (who knows, she could be giving me signs right? Dream on) but girls can sniff thing like these out.

T was right. She agreed that Silver Lining knew but the question is, "Do I want to know?"

My answer would be one big yes. I want to know, and I've always wanted to know. If it weren't for the risks involved, I would have come clean months and months ago.

The risks would be that if I were to finally let it out, it would be some sort of a Pandora's box letting all the misery out into the world. For one, I would lose our current status quo. If she didn't feel the same, that would mean wreaking havoc on a great friendship.

If I were to let things out, that would mean I'd lose all the trust I'd earned these past few months. Heaven knows if I'd be able to win that trust back.

I guess what makes it difficult are the things at stake as well as all the hopes I've pinned on her.

But I guess better to risk things rather than regret never telling her at all. Who really knows what might come out of it, right?

* * *

Bumming also leads me to Rob's Amazing Poem Generator which conjured a poem based on the words in this blog. Check out poetry in motion!!!

Spouting Off: in all the
tone
of Ako na
ko mong pilitin ang dibdib/Kaya
gumawa ng awiting ito/
Na alay ko
At Banana Leaf at the
movie
they are looking somewhat bleak. thinking with him
split the
suffocating policies of the things that use it.
was
Britney Spears getting absorbed by the
shallowest reason for the
miles/
I did.
that movies today. is if anything,
productive.

Nifty, eh? Here's a 2nd try.

Spouting Off: my enlistment is able to
be useful to have, any case, though.I
will be others who tested positive
for other fellow
manI guess let it did.that is
going to have loved her Did that
I feared my mom.the longest time.
of their attitude
towards the University is to watch it have no
irrelevant homilies.

Never mind.

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Young Blood Day 2

Today was "bonding day" with my 36 "daughters" who see me more as a "grandfather" because this was the 3rd year I was orienting/terrorizing Freshmen.

Though I am happy to say that in the past 2 batches that I have oriented, many of them have become active in different organizations. Among the First Batch, a whole group of them were behind the school's 1st Movie Premiere.

Among those I oriented in the 2nd batch, several became very active in student politics. As of now, I am still wondering what is to come out from one of the school's first "all-girl" classes.

Today was the day I would need my energy and voice the most. And I thought it couldn't have come off to a worse start when I woke up this morning with a hoarse voice. Apparently, I out-talked myself yesterday.

I just have to say that I will never get used to orienting an all-girls class.

One of my standard spiels is "Okay guys, this is how it goes", these past 2 days, I've constantly been correcting myself, "Okay guys, I mean girls!".

I also have this theory that in every co-ed section, there will be at least one couple that will result. Hell, my own block had 3! I shared this with the girls and told them that apparently this wouldn't be true in their case. I hope?

But once again, who's complaining? I was having fun being the object of attention of these girls (even if it was primarily because I was the one talking most of the time), and I was having the time of my life inflicting my brand of kakulitan on these people.

From the onset, I was just hoping that I'd have enough energy in store to see me through the day. Who would have thought that a campus tour for such a small university would be so tiring. That is taking into account that we didn't even go everywhere.

We also had a few games up our sleeves, but I doubted that they'd need much of it because being female and all, I don't think bonding would be such a problem.

I think my world turned upside down when I realized last-minute that I'd have to go onstage and talk about my org to the Freshmen. It's weird- I don't have problems standing in front of a class and talking. I don't have problems onstage and acting.

I guess the feeling is really different when you're onstage with a spotlight trained on you and well, you don't have any idea what to say. But hey, if it's any measure of success, the org garnered 88 new members right after the talk.

Right after was the pep rally, but by this time, most of the FDAs were pretty drained so since all the Freshmen were properly seated, Silver Lining and I snuck off for a little break.

After 3 years of doing this, I can already say that by the beginning of the schoolyear, I will be a nobody to some of them, while others will be "hi and bye" people. Then there will also be others who won't hesitate to stop by and chat for awhile. I was actually sad to see them off.

But what I hope happens is that these people infuse their own brand of life and spirit into the school.

True, the number of Freshmen enrollees decreased significantly but that's no major setback. I just hope that this batch is able to make something out of themselves and carve their own place within the history of the school.

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Young Blood

The running joke of the day was that today is Bundi's birthday! Or like I told other fellow FDA's who asked, today was like Christmas and my Birthday rolled into one.

The reason? It was something tantamount to letting a wolf watch over a flock of sheep. Well, not exactly in that extreme but you get the picture. Get this: the Freshman class I was assigned to orient was a class of 36 girls.

In short, a room full of girls was like one helluva birthday gift! Choosing to stay and orient instead of going to Subic does have its rewards. Later on, I got to calling them my daughters. They called me their grandfather because I was way older than they were.

Kidding and hormones aside, I really believe that this all-girls section is one lousy idea, and I'd love to stone whoever thought of it in the first place. I believe that these girls got a really lousy deal. This is coming from me-- the girls themselves were pretty disappointed.

I don't think their disappointment even stems from the fact that they don't get to meet boys. That's the shallowest reason for it. I believe that the school is denying them of a well-rounded experience that they came for in the first place.

The reason the school gave is that it would be easier for "block mentoring", whatever that means. The school is inflicting its mentoring program on the students, and denying them the freedom of choosing whether to avail of this service or not.

Perhaps the school got creative and decided to experiment. Either way, using these girls as guinea pigs does not incorporate the new students well into the school. UA&P is limiting the development and growth of the Freshmen.

I may be getting worked up on some trivial detail, but I find this development rather unforgivable. If anything, one of the draws of the school was because it was co-ed. Limiting the girls to a single gender class would have made them look at schools like Assumption or Miriam if they wanted things that way.

I believe that this move stunts the development of the students, in the same way that many of the suffocating policies of the school do.

But like I said, I am orienting a room full of girls so who's complaining?

One thing though is that I am dead tired. I am tired from all the running, I am tired from all the walking around, and I am tired from expending all my energy to be as hyper as possible.

I have always believed that a key factor in affecting the mood of the class is the orientor. Thus, if I want to get things alive, I've got to be alive myself. And that is exactly what I did. Hoo boy! Talk about Tigger on steroids!

Thankfully, my hyperactivity rubbed off on the students and by the end of the day, they were all pretty much open with each other. That's a good thing, because I also have the job of bonding them even more tomorrow.

Like I said, among many of the reasons I choose to be FDA year after year is because I want to get these students active in orgs and basically to love the school.

I am sick of students who hate the school for one reason or another. My personal mission is to break stereotypes and shatter paradigms.

There is also no better place to start than with the Freshmen, who are still a little uncertain about their life within the school. I hope to start them on the right foot, and with that, perhaps have them acquire school spirit as they go along.

The school is young, but it is trapped within a box. It is the infusion of new blood that is hope for the school to soar and hopefully, I am doing my part to get things started.

As one of my favorite teachers likes to say, "The University is small and it doesn't have a history yet. You are making history even as I speak".

Every batch carves out a portion within the history of the school. I may graduate without making a dent within the school's history, but my dream is that I at least provide a foundation for other batches to make their own mark within the school.

If they are able to do just so much, that is when I would know that I have been able to do my job well.

* * *

I had a very lengthy chat with my mentor today, and I heard just about everything I've been needing to hear in the longest time.

I opened up to my mentor the fears and apprehensions I was having with regard to entering 4th Year and making it to the 5th as well. I've been needing a little indlugence for quite awhile and I found it in my mentor.

He gave me comfort, advice, suggestions and concrete steps to take, and I found this very gratifying, very much unlike the responses I gathered from my parents when I tried to express my anxiety with regard to studies.

I told my dad that I feared my efforts were rather misdirected and that whenever I tried to do things like papers. I feared that I'd be working hard on something to find that it doesn't see eye-to-eye with what the teacher wants. I've always believed it was a result of different views.

The response I got was a homily mixed with his useless theorizing that did not do anything to allay my angst, "You know you have to work harder. Maybe your efforts are misdirected because you're not concentrating on your work because of partying...".

I told my mom the same thing, and I got a drama of how I need to do better in school and incidentally, did I take my Calculus? No help there.

I told my mentor the same thing and he gave me the advice I needed: consult the teacher regularly. Plain and simple. No drama, no irrelevant homilies.

It's sad when you realize that you are able to find advise from someone else, when it was your parent's advise and attention you sought in the first place.

---

Torture Time

Mood music: "The Java Jive" by Manhattan Transfer over Kazaa

It was Monday, and it was enrollment so the day really had nowhere to go but up. I'm sure glad it did.

But the whole duration of the day consisted of little agonies- not exactly the type to drive you insane, but the type that gets you clamoring for another week of vacation.

Little agony is getting up at 5:30 in the morning with full knowledge that it was vacation and that if you had a choice, you'd be off in dreamland.

This agony also served as a grim reminder that there is only one more week of vacation left and that for the next schoolyear, I'd be waking up in the same manner as today.

Little agony was my mom, who was in full element so early in the morning.

Little agony is the enrollment, which is only a tad bit more improved than before. But it was a mess all the same.

The lines were still long, the reg people were still surly, there was still that slim chance that you'd run out of slots for the only class you're trying to enroll in, and I felt like a real oldie among the incoming Sophomores that were enrolling.

The agony here is actually the thought that I wasn't supposed to be there. As an incoming Senior, the enlistment is supposed to be online. Unfortunately, I've still got a few back subjects that are coming back to haunt me.

I am just thankful for people like Legee who was in school exaggeratedly early, and who helped me get through the whole process and even lent me a ballpen!!!

Little agony is the chilling thought that this coming sem, one of the busiest and most crucial semesters in Comm, I will be taking up Calculus.

It will be my second time to take this subject and I am keeping my fingers crossed now that it won't be as bad as I percieve it to be. It is in subjects like Calculus where I feel that I am in another planet listening to people speak a totally different language.

It is in Math subjects where I feel like a total moron.

Little agony is the thought that I just might be delayed because of my foreign language units. Thing is, if I were delayed because of my own irresponsibilty, then it wouldn't be so bad.

Unfortunately, I was delayed because the school messed up my enlistment a year ago and I ended up taking Spanish 1 twice. This coming semester doesn't have any Spanish 2 units that will fit my schedule so things are looking somewhat bleak.

I'm thinking that the only solution for me to be back on track is to take Spanish out of school. But I loathe to think about how much I'd be spending and whether what I'd be learning falls under the school's curriculum.

Little agony is the thought that many of your friends are will be spending 2 nights in Subic while you will be stuck in school for 3 days. And all because it was my choice. But then again, I refuse to regret anything.

Little agony was watching "Ang Tanging Ina" by my lonesome self, and not knowing all the movies the movie was spoofing and having no one to ask.

In fairness, I predict that the movie will be forgotten within 3 months time. But it was good while it lasted- very entertaining to say the least. I even have a thing for one of Heart's friends in the movie.

One thing I noticed was Heart telling her friends that her debut would be in a Month's time-- June 14 to be exact. That meant that all the events within the movie unfolded during May, a time for summer classes. It was just so surprising to find the whole campus in full swing, complete with team practices, cheerleading rehearsals and essay writing contests.

But I needed a little humor after that enrollment, thus the movie, even if it meant I'd have to watch it by myself.

Of course, if I needed humor and entertainment, I'd have gone straight to good 'ol Albz's condo but she was busy. I ended up spending the whole afternoon there anyways.

Little agony was figuring out HTML for Albz's blog. In the end, a lot of good I did as Albz was able to figure out everything by herself. Yes, Albz, you are good!!!

Little agony was losing my appetite as Albz went through the paintings of Vanessa Tiegs. I found it kinda sickening.

It was a link from Kengkeng's blog about this woman who uses her own menstrual blood to create paintings. True, her work was good, but the thought and the sight of it was really, really revolting. Enough to make me blow cookies!

Little agony was listening to "The Java Jive" by Manhattan Transfer over and over and over and over again... it was repeated so many times that I think I've memorized a good part of the song, and Albz and I started singing along.

Little agony for Albz was listening to my rendition of "The Java Jive". Something not so pleasant, that I can guarantee. The worse agony was that when I left, I had "Java Jive" as an LSS all the way home to Antipolo. Not funny.

"I love coffee, I love tea! I love the java jive and it loves me... coffee and tea and the java in me, a cup! a cup! a cup! a cup! a cup!"

Little agony was "Summer Girls" by LFO, "Unwell" by Matchbox 20 and a few other songs played over and over again. More agonizing was mine and Alba's rendition of "Bakit Ngayon Ka Lang" (my half anyway).

Little agony was going into Shangri-La to be greeted by the sight of the shooting of some Sharon Cuneta and Aga Mulach movie. Yes, I saw both of them! Agh... I am such an uzi. Sadly, I couldn't get near the shooting and that was killing me!

Little agony was buying another pair of dumbells and lugging them around the mall. But finally, I'm home now and dead-tired to say the least. I've got Day One of orientation ahead of me tomorrow.

My day wasn't as bad as I may have described. Some aspects of it were agonizingly fun, if truth be told. It's the little things that really make my day. Instance would be an afternoon full of innuendo and bugging Albz to bits. Or even being entertained by "Tanging Ina".

It's really taking the bitter with the better, always looking at the glass as half full, and just taking in everything as it comes. Living serendipitously, as I always say. There are days and then there are days, and it's really up to me to make the most of each. I think I did today.

* * *

I finally broke my bumming streak yesterday, thanks to my mom.

I think that after 2 and a half days at home, my mom couldn't stand being idle as well. Sunday was supposed to be the bi-monthly clan lunch/dinner but one side of the clan backed out. My tight-fisted mom insisted we push through anyway (and this got my dad and I wondering if my mom was still sick or something).

After 6 days of home cooking, I was nothing short of glad to have dinner at Banana Leaf at the Podium and desert at Goodies and Sweets.

Also, upon my dad's insistence, I was able to pick up a pair of weights for the house. I am cornered and have no excuse not to exercise now what with the sit-up bench and the weights!

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