I'm Still Here

Let me tell you: I've missed blogging.

I haven't blogged in ages. I haven't written in ages. And like a lot of things in my life, this one's unplanned. But then again, so was quitting blogging for a bit.

It's a Sunday night and after having a prolonged afternoon siesta to make up for the slumber's lost hours during the week, I find myself vacant with nothing to do. So while my songs are downloading over Limewire, I figured I might as well get started all over again. Hell, while I'm not exactly a writer, my writing skill will not be deadened and confined to call reports, job orders, e-mails to Client and competitive copy analyses. Mind-numbing. Hell no. Work-- it is my life but it sucks the life out me.

Also, because it's the weekend, I'm home with my family and there's internet. Ironic that I don't want to blog in the office because I need the privacy. What privacy am I talking about as my writing is aimed for public consumption on the internet. Ah well.

It was this one lonely evening in the office. Everyone was gone for the night-- probably had better things to do than a damn CCA which finishing feels like having my teeth pulled. And because life is not all about work, I decided to do some surfing on the side. And because I'm productive like that, I decided to blog hop. And that's when I started missing it.

I suddenly missed online exhibitionism-- displaying my thoughts and my actions raw and uncensored for the lot of cyberspace to see, enjoy, consume and over-think. I miss immortalizing my memories. So much has been going on that I haven't been able to write about: Bangkok, Camotes Island in Cebu, the Quezon road trip, twice in Boracay over the span of a month and even the fact that I finally graduated.

So much has happened, so little time to write about it. Time flies. I procrastinate writing about it and the next thing I know, the thing happened some 3 months ago.

Damn.

Thank God for cameras. While I may never remember what I was feeling or thinking then, I will see the poses and the smiles and people I was with that day and somehow I guess I will remember the event as happy. Gloss over the sad parts (if there were) and immortalize the good ones. But why not?

Lately though, things are monotonous. Life is a series of weekend alcoholism, budgeting and work. I'm waiting for the next grand thing to happen. Something that will infuse new life in me. Something that will capture my imagination all over again. Something new, something different.

It is burnout. I know. I've told my boss as much. While work is still the same and the atmosphere is just as fun, I've changed.

Lately, gone is the gung ho dude who stood up to challenge after challenge, always eager to learn and to please.

In his stead is the chain-smoking, apathetic and irritable person who is on the verge of losing his drive for success. And who is totally dependent on Friday night beer.

The reality though is that in this industry, the work never stops. It just lightens up on some days, but it never really just stops. I find myself singing Lifehouse's "Sick Cycle Carousel" too often these days: "When will this end it goes on and on, over and over and over again. Keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop 'till I step down from this for good".

There you go. Last September 14 was my first anniversary in the company. I've lasted a year in my first REAL job. And it's been a roller coaster.

I'm still broke but I'm still happy, though everyday is unpredictable really.

Each day, I look for something to renew the passion and I fear there are also days that come along that kill the spirit.

In any case, I live, I learn, I love. The world spins madly on and I take on each day at a time.

Yep, I'm still here.

Good Morning

For the past 6 months, it has taken me an average of one hour and a half to 2 hours to get to work. In those 6 months, I've been able to get to work every single day without much incident.

Enter Friday-- I now live along C-5 and I've been living in the condo for a good 48 hours. My travel time is reduced to 20 minutes (with traffic). And in the span of those 48 hours, with minimized exposure on the road, I find it annoying that while I am rushing to an 8 AM meeting, my car was rear-ended at Global City en route to Rockwell.

That happened at 7:55 AM. A minute before, I looked at the clock in the center console of the car and thought to myself, "I'm gonna make it!".

A second after I felt the impact from behind, my phone rings. It was my boss calling and asking where I was.

I was still shaking and slightly frantic when I picked up up my phone from the floor where it fell after the FX rammed my trunk.

"Asan ka na?!", Jay asks.

I had no idea how I sounded and I wasn't really thinking when I answered the phone. According to Jay, this is what I said the moment I picked up: "Jay! Nabangga ako (pause) ... binangga ako!". Apparently, he found the fact that I had to qualify that I was the bumpee and not the bumper.

And once again, when I let people know that I got bumped, the first reaction I get is "Na naman?" which I find insulting because the frequency of my accidents is not as great as other people I know and second, I don't really ask to be bumped, do I?

Note: my car always get bumped from behind. This means that I am more often than not BUMPED.

My car's time in the casa will probably mean the 10th change of the bumper in the car's 8-year life.

The last bumper change was 2 months ago. That time, the car was rear-ended by an Innova.

This time, it was an FX driver who apparently wasn't able to brake in time when the light changed to red.

Now, I'm extremely careful when I drive through Global City because I know that driving through a yellow will automatically mean beating the red light. I didn't rush to the intersection when the light turned yellow and I was the first car in line when the traffic light turned red. Not wanting to rish another traffic violation, I braked. Five seconds later, FX comes smashing into the back of my car. The impact is strong enough to move the car a few inches.

And because I was in a hurry for a meeting (that I eventually wouldn't make because of the hassle of the accident), I was extremely pissed.

"Anong akala mo sa kotse ko?!? Bump car?!" I demand of him when I get down and get over the initial shock of getting hit.

The FX driver tried to reason that as a driver, he sees everything and while he saw the traffic light turn red he said he also saw the traffic enforcer signalling to go ahead.

And of course I was like, "E kung lahat pala nakikita mo, bakit hindi mo nakita yung kotse na nakatigil sa harap mo?!?!".

I hate it when people try to reason with me when it's obvious they're at fault. When I am the bumper, I am immediately apologetic.

I was annoyed enough to bring the matter all the way to the Taguig police station. And I find it annoying that these FX drivers go about driving recklessly and when they hit you all they can do is scratch their heads. And I, as a private vehicle owner am left to foot the bill and deal with the hassle that these drivers inflict on my car.

To think there was no damage to the FX because his friggin' bull bars were the ones that hit my car. And my trunk is wrecked. Jay had to tie the trunk down because as it is, it won't close.

As I told Jay when we finally met up: 1. Some people are really meant to be at work at 10. 2. Wow, it's the first time an accident of mine reached the police station.

Earlier this week while caught in horrible traffic that had me travelling 3 hours to work, I was told that traffic is not an excuse.

I guess "car accident" is as good an excuse as any.

* * *

Thank God my day was made so much better by lunch at this Thai carinderia off Rockwell with authentic Thai food. And cheap, no less!

* * *

I feel though like I don't want to drive anymore.

Pucha.

3 weeks ago, I got caught for coding.

2 weeks ago, I got stopped for reckless driving.

Last Friday, I got rear-ended.

And yesterday, while taking my car to the casa for an estimate, I got apprehended for not wearing a seatbelt.

Malas.

* * *

Saturday, my parents took a trip to the province to clean out the house of my grand aunt who passed away last January.

They took home a bunch of old coins, my grandfather's old army hat and a handful of faded photographs. It is the pictures that fascinate me the most.

The pictures are a glimpse into the past, and added images of the grandfather I never knew and the grandmother I never really had enough time to get to know.

This one is my grandfather and grandmother at a 1947 New Year's eve party at Manila Hotel.

I study the sepia photos wishing that they were colored. I try to search through any remnant of the past to get a better idea of the kind of people my grandparents were.

A lot of people tell me I look like my dad. Some say my mom. Others say I look like my grandmother's eldest brother.

I try to find myself in the features of my grandparents-- something of me in their smile or in their eyes. It'd be interesting to see any semblance of them in me. I don't find much, sadly.

One Small Step for Man

... one big step for me.

It's finally happening: I'm moving out of Antipolo.

It's something that should've happened long ago but I could never attend to it. The thought is appealing-- the fact that I'm 24 and living on my own. Along with it comes the freedom of being in charge of myself and fending for myself. There is also the thought that I'm independent and that I don't have a choice but to be more responsible.

Along with the studio apartment comes a whole slew of new responsibilities which I have no choice but to take on. I've got to clean the place, I've got to take care of the bills and I've got to generally maintain the place and save up for whatever stuff I want in it.

And then there's the loneliness.

One reason I was hesitant to move was the fact that I didn't exactly relish the thought of coming home to a cold, empty unit where there would be no dog to greet me at the top of the stairs. Or that there'd be no one from my family who I could simply sit down and chat with. Or even that there'd be no TV (or cable) yet to while away the loneliness. Not that I've got much of a life at home now as I go home to sleep for a few hours and then go off again to work. I don't watch TV and I don't have sleep. And I don't even see my family save for Sundays even if we go home to the same house and that the only sign of my existence is that my car is in the driveway.

The straw that broke the camel's back was the traffic that has been steadily increasing these past few weeks. Yesterday, it came to a head when it took me 3 hours to get to work. And while I haven't had time (or the money) to shop for furniture just yet, all I knew was that I wanted to up and leave.

I just felt that I was spending too much money on gas (commuting is a great alternative-- it's just that waiting lines at the rush hour terminal have a tendency to last for as long as an hour and a half), and too much time traveling. Time which would be better spent sleeping or at work (I am a geek. That much I know). It's just that I don't like the feeling of being looked for or needed and knowing that I can't do anything about it because traffic is blocked for miles.

Today, I leave the land of 8 bottlenecks. No more bad roads. I timed myself on the way to work today-- I wanted to see how long it would take me from the condo to the office. It took me approximately 20 minutes. This was with traffic. This is opposed to the ghastly one and a half to two hours that it takes me everyday.

There will always be a trade-off and I know the first few days will be lonely.

In an ideal situation, my family lived nearer the city and going home wouldn't be such a pain.

But this is not an ideal world. Thus, nothing for me to do but to make the most of a seemingly ideal setting.

Far and Away

I found my little peace of Heaven

I think I might've found a little piece of Heaven in a not-so-far away place called Calatagan in Batangas.

And I'm not talking about high-end places like the likes of Punta Fuego and Kawayan Cove. The Heaven I found was in a far-flung place accessible only by a dirt road. Heaven was a private compound consisting of 6 houses that all looked out to sea. Heaven was a swimming pool that had the view of the the sun, the sand, the sea and Mindoro. And consequently, I spent a weekend in Heaven.

The weekend was an outing consisting of us from the Agency and our Clients, who owned the beach house. We left after work, drove for hours and got to the beach house at 10:30. It is during these road trips that you get to realize how boring a long, dark road can be without the aid of music. Thanks to my trusty iPod (and also I guess to the fact that the lead car forgot that there were 4 other cars behind him...) the trip seemed like a breeze.

It was a lot of boisterous shouting, screaming, hand-waving-outside-the-window, singing (to the point that I thought I'd get to Calatagan all hoarse and tired) all the way to the beach. And when we got there, the drinking started immediately.

My memories of the night are vague. Maybe because of all the alcohol I consumed. I remember taking shots and I remember that my hand was never without a beer. I remember dancing to 80s music and I remember lying on the beach at 4 AM with a steady buzz and my world spinning around.

I will also remember the food during our whole stay there. Screw the diet-- not when you've got lechon, ensalada, turon, tocino, liempo and longanisa around. Forget the diet-consciousness as well since my boss and I had the goal that a beer would never leave our hand throughout the duration of Saturday.

Saturday was steady as ever. Woke up late, ate, drank, had a massage, drank some more, swam, drank some more, went to the raft along the shore and drank some more, photo ops, walked to a bahay kubo far off the the shore, had a few Brokeback moments, went back the raft and drank some more, ate, drank some more, did videoke and still drank some more.

It was a damn shame to leave. It was the steadiest weekend yet.

Some people were complaining that it wasn't right to spend one whole weekend with Clients who we see and coordinate with almost everyday. But it was all good-- if you're out to have fun, you will have fun.

The weekend was one big laugh trip. From dunking Joyce into the pool, to my stupid emo trip, to steady photo ops as well as clumsily stumbling over corals.

I never wanted to leave Heaven and to face the Manila that was waiting for me. I could live like that-- surrounded with beautiful houses and the beach facing you, literally disconnected from the city (place had no friggin' signal). The outing was yet in support of my team's theme for the year: BEACH!

And while I didn't grow THAT dark, I got a shitload of pictures that will serve as a pleasant reminder of the steadiest weekend that was.

* * *

I leave Calatagan with a heavy heart though. For some reason, my iPod disappeared.

The beautiful tiny iPod that was the source of amusement of many a long road trip is gone and I don't know where it went.

I now drive a quiet car. And my iPod's demise is felt by everyone whom I've had many a steady road trip with.

Orange Colored Sky

Lovin' the beach

Foolin' around

Steady on the raft

Pool Happy

Street Fighter

Brokeback Moment

Showing off what I worked for in the gym (not yet evident...)

The Poor House

The days 'till next salary seem to stretch on and on and on.

And all the while, my meager savings are dwindling away little by little by little.

This is not aided by the fact that the past 15 days have been VERY expensive what with my Ordinance Violation Receipt (OVR) sustained when I wasn't too careful when bringing my car along McKinley Road. And lest we not forget my reckless driving charge which I still feel was unjust, but cost me 2,000 bucks nonetheless.

And then there was tuition.

The fact that parking and gas aren't cheap haven't helped either. These days, I have ceased to bring a car just to stretch my peso even further though it has gone to rubber band proportions as of late.

Because I am in the midst of a financial crisis, certain things have had to suffer.

Few weeks ago, I could afford Jolly Jeep meals. Now, if I can bring food from the house that would be a bonus. In fact, my bringing food instead of buying is already a significant sign that I am in dire straits. See, I always like my food freshly cooked. I don't like the smell of food that's been simmering in a Tupperware for half a day. And since I can't afford to eat in nice places, I buy from Jolly Jeeps. And now, since buying from the Jolly Jeep eats up about 40 bucks, bring baon is now the most practical alternative. Nyet, it's the only alternative.

Of course, having no food certainly helps any diet big time.

In line with tightening the purse strings, my expensive gym had to go as well.

The gym was beautiful. It was near the office and it was small and intimate. More often than not, we had the gym all to ourselves. And the price was okay-- back then when I had money.

Now, shelling out a couple of grand a month seems to steep.

But because I've got to keep fit in time for summer, we've discovered an alternative gym along Pasong Tamo called Obssession Gym. The address on the signboard states: Laureano Building, Chino Roces Ave formerly Pasong Tamo, Makati City on top of Mustang and Across Don Bosco.

Goodbye to the nice treadmill with a calorie burning counter. Hello to jogging in Greenbelt park.

Goodbye to the nice shower rooms and the pool and the chairs we could lounge in. Hello to nothing but a crummy gym with rusty equipment which brings to mind Trias Variety Show.

But the gym is cool. It's run by a huge Russian power lifter who apparently loves to mix steroids, testosterone and valium.

When Jay and I had a looksee a week ago, the Russian dude asked us, "You want steroids?"

When we said no, he said "Why not?"

Famous quotes from Alex (who looks like Zangief of Street Fighter): "The girls you were with yesterday, they are boring"

We told him that they were nice, fun girls. Alex then asks, "Are they nasty?"

We told him they weren't. He said, Then they are boring".

Everyday brings a new episode from that character. And man, he watches you like a hawk though I am assured I am going to get the workout I need.

And it's a 3rd of the price yet.

I now live on an 800 peso challenge-- more because that's all I have left until the end of the week. The situation wasn't helped by the knowledge that my salary is held until Friday because my time sheets are late.

Swear, I once knew poor. I now know poverty. I now know destitution.

* * *

Hamming it up at last Friday's NBV Serve at the NBC Tent! It was a kick-ass event with Hale, Sugarfree and Spongecola! That and a shitload of games and events like an inter-scholastic cheerdance competition and a fashion show of sorts.

And as always, have a camera will pose/shoot.

I am a poser in more ways than one. I do pose for the camera, that's true. However, nothing more fun than posing and "projecting" down a cat walk. Never mind that the audience has all gone home...